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Are you just too picky?
Could it be that you're too "picky"? It is okay to be picky, or choosy, or whatever you wish to call it. This is because we all deserve the best. Yet have you ever really thought about your standards? Perhaps this 'weeding out' is running (or ruining) your dating life? Let's agree that we all have ideals of who we want to date, and perhaps even ideological images of exactly how they should look, act, talk, what their interest are, and so forth. It's that "knight in shining armour" mindset that our childhood story books are filled with, and what we spend our many (and for some many, many) dating years trying to find. Unfortunately, what it boils down to is that people are just too picky.
The reality is that few mortals can fulfil every requirement on our very long checklists. No one is perfect -- no, not even you. Ditching someone the first time they annoy you could really impact your love life in the long run.
There is a difference though between settling for someone you could never find attractive and adjusting your wish list into two categories: deal-breakers and preferences. For example, not wanting kids could be a deal-breaker for you. But a guy's only-average height might be something you can live with. Same goes for men: if she's a size 14 rather than the impossibly lanky (and generally unhealthy) size 6 - does it matter in the scheme of things?
What is most frustrating is watching GREAT people overlook other GREAT people for what are in most people's estimation...superficial reasons.
The first step is to determine your search criteria. Write down exactly what you are looking for in the opposite sex. Make a list of the 10 most important traits you are searching for in your life partner and pick ONLY three that are absolutely essential. Then make a list of ten shortcomings you don't want your potential partner to have and select ONLY three that are absolutely unacceptable. Now you can do one of two things:
1 Do some serious strategic and proactive marketing to better your chances in our highly competitive romantic culture (be very proactive, develop your flirting skills, meet lots and lots of people) OR
2 Re-evaluate how you are doing your selecting, wrestle with and broaden your search criteria.
Becoming less or more picky than you currently are about whom you date may improve your chances of finding true love - for the first time or again. Read below to see how you can adjust your pickiness level.
Here's what you should be picky about:
1 What matters most
Qualities that matter in every situation such as a similar value system, communication style, and level of integrity. If they have these same qualities it means the two of you will be on the same page in many aspects.
2 Family goals
Your partner should have the same family goals as you, such as having children or not, getting married or not. For starters, work out whether you both want a long-term relationship or just some fun.
3 The ex-factor
Choosing a person who has no ex's lurking around hoping to reignite the relationship. Lurking ex's tend to cause problems for relationships because the "lurked" is often torn between the past and present relationship and cannot fully be in either.
4 Independence
The person you choose should have their own friends and interests or at least be working on it. You want someone who is living well with or without you to avoid unhealthy dependencies and resentments.
5 Levels of attraction
It seems obvious, but the person should be someone you find attractive. But note: You should never choose someone based on looks alone. We all get saggy, old and wrinkly in no time at all. This may be an extreme, but what happens if your partner gets into an accident and messes up their face - are you going to ditch them because they're no longer eye candy?
You probably don't need to be picky about:
1 Their social clique - this doesn't necessarily define them.
2 How much money / material wealth they have.
3 Exactly how they look. You need to be attracted to your potential partner but, you might be surprised to find yourself attracted to someone who is not your "type".
4 The person's profession - even if you have had a bad experience with someone of a particular profession, chances are the trouble was with that particular person.
5 How much the person earns - if you find you earn in different financial brackets, you can sometimes spend a little and sometimes spend a lot to even things out.
6 The person's past, as long as it has been worked through and put to rest. You need not worry about your partner's past as long as you can see that the emotions and circumstances of the past have been experiences learnt from and worked through.
You are too picky if:
1 You have no problem getting dates, but everyone you date has something about him or her that turns you off.
2 You have very specific ideas about who your partner needs to be: a particular religion, income level, profession, very similar interests, etc.
3 You need a person to prove him or herself to you over and over again, before you consider opening up to him or her.
4 You need a partner to never let you down.
5 You have a particular style or type of person you like and will only date this kind of person.
You are not picky enough if:
1 You are willing to date anyone fairly decent, whether they are a good match for you or not.
2 You don't want much from a partner - a sense of humour, a job, and being attracted to the person is good enough.
3 You get into relationships quickly.
4 You will accept lots of imperfections in your partner.
5 You date people whether or not you are attracted to them.
If you're too picky or not picky enough you can still end up alone. A better idea is to have a balance of what you are picky about and what you are not picky about in order to attract a balanced person and to create a compatible, satisfying, happy relationship.
We'll leave this week's article on this note: According to research, that magical thing called human bonding doesn't even begin to show up until date number three. Be willing to stretch on the issues of lesser importance (height, hair issues, age, income, etc). Keep the heart and the eyes open!
Content supplied by RSVP, Australia’s largest online dating site
| Stay tuned for more RSVP success stories... or to become one yourself, search for your perfect match here. Just select the gender and age of your ideal partner and the location you'd like to search in, and you're well on your way. |
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